You’d have to be living under a rock to miss the controversy around the statements made by United States Representative Todd Akin, but just in case there is moss growing on you, Akin is under fire for his comments regarding abortion rights for the victims of rape:
“… from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something. I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.”
It’s clear that his Management Engineering degree from Worcester Polytech and his Master of Divinity degree at Covenant Theological Seminary have given Akin some valuable insight into the workings of the human body. His affirmation that the uterus has the magical ability to prevent pregnancy in the case of “legitimate rape” (which is different from every other type of rape how?) is a medical miracle. Who knew that women could just tap their heels together three times and say “There’s no baby in there. There’s no baby in there. There’s no baby in there” and it would work?! The fact that the public at large is unaware of this fact points to a vast conspiracy created by the birth control and condom manufacturers of the world.
What else is Todd Akin not telling us? With his type of high-level government access to these miracles of modern medicine and science, there must be more that we, as the poor uneducated masses, are missing!
With that in mind, I did some investigating, hacked Akin’s phone, and saw some of the talking points he has for his future appearances on television. Some of the things that we don’t know about science and physics and our bodies will blow your mind – are you ready to hear about all of the other things that Todd Akin knows but hasn’t told us yet?
- Seat belts are actually unnecessary because in a life-threatening crash, our bone structure will automatically become dense enough to survive any accident. The only reason that there are traffic fatalities at all is because this self-preservation only kicks in if the person is not wearing the seat belt and praying to Jesus right as the accident occurs.
- Racism is not a social issue. It’s the result of different color skin emitting pheromones that can cause fear and hatred in others. If you don’t want to be afraid of black people, just wear a mask, or maybe a pointy white hood, when you approach them.
- The Challenger blew up because all of the astronauts forgot to hold their breath as they ascended.
- Chickens are one of many species that consider homosexual behavior to be abhorrent in their own kind, so Chick Fil-A is only following the will and desires of the animals they prepare and should not be boycotted.
- Bullets will not hit you unless you legitimately deserve to be shot.
- Children in third-word countries have smaller fingers and a higher ability to concentrate on small details, which makes them ideal for creating clothes and shoes to sell in America.
- God does talk to you, and he sounds like Liam Neeson’s Aslan from the Chronicles of Narnia movies.
- Televisions actually emit rays that can affect brain patterns, which means that people who watch gay characters will start to feel homosexual urges, people who watch liberal news channels will start to hate religion, and anybody who watches BET will try to rob you.
- The weight of a woman’s hair causes her brain to shrink, which means that her decision-making ability is affected. This is why women should just put any decisions regarding their bodies and wombs in the hands of balding men.
- The flexibility and loss of inhibitions from drinking alcohol are actually beneficial to society because they create plenty of wholesome Christian situations for drunk men and drunk women to have quasi-consensual sex and hopefully procreate, repopulating the world with submissive women and God-fearing men.
- Bert and Ernie are a gay couple and a tool of Satan.
Don’t you feel enlightened now?